TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and totally from spot. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten many years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have A different spot the place American Adult men can wear robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: present Every person a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he really should prevent working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head visible from House, a function becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not simply unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where company may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Trump Tower Damascus Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advert campaign, lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Forever."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting interest from Intercontinental traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait around to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel wherever my PTSD might have transform-down support."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

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